Thursday, September 18, 2014

12.5 Weeks

On July 15, I found out I am expecting baby number two.

Talk about mixed emotions. My daughter was turning 12 this year. She just started junior high and would be graduating high school in  just six short years. I was looking forward to reclaiming my adult life. I had her when I was 19 so I didn't get all the typical "woo hoo I'm an adult, my parents are no where to be found so let's go CRAZY!" moments. I'm not saying I regret anything, I just wish I had waited until I was older.

So now, 12 years later I am expecting my second. Which if I'm being honest, floors me. Some days it doesn't feel real. Some days it feels too real.

Before I got pregnant with my daughter I had a miscarriage. I found out on 9/11/01 (how freaking awful was that?). When i found out i was pregnant with my daughter I spent nine months worrying she wouldn't make it, that something would happen and I'd lose her too.

Part of the reason I never had more was because of that. I didn't want to spend another nine months worrying that the baby wouldn't make it. The other part was the doctor's said after my daughter was born that I probably wouldn't be able to have any more kids.

Then bam! Here I am. thought i was nine weeks when I found out. Went to the ER in early august because of some pain i was having and found out i was actually only six. My baby was fine when they checked him out and I was able to breathe. It didn't last. I feel like Ive been suffocating for six weeks. Every time I feel an ache or a pain or a pinch or a poke I freak out and think I'm miscarrying. I ocd check to make sure I'm not bleeding and generally lay on the couch like an invalid until whatever is bugging me stops.

It's so nerve wrecking to be so nervous. I don't think id be so bad if i was able to see a doctor (my husband started a new job in the beginning of the year, we passed on health care until he started actually getting paid, then we tried the marketplace, his new job is much better paying than his previous job was, they'd cover him but not me because I'm pregnant, so I had to try to get medicaid through the state, which is just dumb, yes, all you hardworking citizens, please pay for me to be lazy (shaking my head). We applied for medicaid at the beginning of August, didn't find out whether they approved me or not til after Labor day, so because they did deny me, the husband's health insurance through his company will enroll us, but our coverage doesn't start until the first of October. I would really, really, really love to sit down with the president to find out if this is what his "great plan for health care" is really all about. Take two months for a pregnant woman to get health care, then wait another month for it to start.) So needless to say, i think a lot of the fear I'm experiencing comes from not being able to talk to a doctor, knowing that if I needed  a doctor, I'd have to go to the ER, wait for a million hours then get saddled with a bill for over four grand.

I keep telling myself that in 20, 16, 12 days, i can see a doctor. I just need to hold it together for 20, 16, 12 more days everything will be okay.

I just needed to get all this off my chest, I know it's rambling and I know it's probably silly. but its how i feel and its killing me to carry it anymore. I cant sleep because I'm too worried and my brain is like a adhd kid cracked out on a forty pound bag of red kool aid. and I'm tired. I'm so damn tired. its making me emotional and irritable and a general pain in the ass to deal with.

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