Saturday, January 3, 2015

Things you Never Say

Let me preface this by saying this isn't a look at me or pay attention to me kind of thing...this is more of a I can't keep this inside of me anymore because if I do it's going to eat me alive. Hell, it already kind of is.

I'm sick of feeling like all people want is to tell me what they are going to do and me smiling like an idiot and nodding my agreement even when my brain is screaming, "PINEAPPLE!" Kevin Hart style.

I feel like people take and take and take from me and again, like an idiot, I keep giving. I don't ask for anything in return and I don't expect anything in return. I'm not a "I did this for you so what are you going to do for me" kind of person.

But when you get to the point where, when asked how you are, you reply with a vague, "I'm fine," when you so clearly are not, and that answer is accepted, despite the hopelessness and desperation in your eyes and voice.

My life has become a conversation in two or three syllable responses. "I'm fine," "That's okay." "It's okay." "Sounds good."

I feel like I don't matter. I feel like I only matter when someone needs or wants something from me. Anytime other than that, I'm the holey towel in the back of the linen closet that no one wants to use. I don't get a second glance or prodding conversation.

There's one situation in particular where people make plans that affect me, they don't ask what will work best for me, or if I even want them to include me in their plans. They just make plans and don't dare take my wishes or feelings into consideration. I don't want to be included in their plans because their plans inconvenience me and won't work for me, But I can't say anything because that will hurt their feelings, world war III will start and I'll end up  most likely crying in the shower so I don't disturb the people around me feeling like the world's most awful person. So I say nothing, I sit here and secretly wish I could just say no, that doesn't work for me and have that answer be accepted without repercussion or consequence.

Personally, I wish that someone could look into my head and understand exactly how I'm feeling. I feel like I'm stuck in this super massive black hole, like I'm useless and unwanted, unlovable, undesired, disliked...I feel like I'm just a waste of space and my heart hurts and I just want it to stop. I want it to stop hurting.

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