My friend is dead.
That was my first thought when I woke up this morning. I got an email last night from my former b.f.f. and it rocked my world. I have known Jason for so long that I don't even remember how I met him. I just remember moving to Virginia and then him, as well as so many others, being my world.
Granted he had many problems, we would drift apart and back together and apart again. But somehow we always managed to find our way back to one another. He was the first person that, in my then sixteen year old brain, loved. The first guy I ever kissed...the first one I would call when my ex gave me grief and aggravation, the first person I would call when I needed a laugh.
A lot of that changed in 2004. We grew apart for some stupid reason, then I moved away and one day out of the blue he managed to find his way back into my life. A few months later he went to jail, then came back into my life with a phone call saying goodbye. He planned to kill himself.
I called him in tears begging him not too. He said he wouldn't go back to jail; that death was a welcome pleasure. I begged and pleaded and told him that maybe he wouldn't go back to jail; maybe he would be okay.
I was wrong. He went back to jail, but it made our friendship stronger. We stayed in constant contact, writing all the time. I sent him pictures and snippets of stories, he complained about the crappy conditions of jail.
After he got out of jail we lost contact again, I got busy with school and he was struggling to adapt to a new, post jail, sober life. More time went by, an email here, an IM there nothing much. I accepted the fact that this is what it was. We drifted together and apart all the time. But like the waves always returning to the shore, I knew we would always keep in touch.
I just talked to him a few days ago. He said he was doing good...and wanted to know how I was. Then the email:
hey girl... sit down before you read this and i am serious.... i dont know if scott told you but jason passed away last night..... funeral arrangements for next week... miss ya girl...
And then my friend was gone...just like that, there would be no more coming together or drifting apart anymore. Life changed in the blink of an eye, the click of a mouse, all that was left was that one solitary second of silence as the heart stops beating before the chaos and noise of hurt and anguish take over.
I am at a loss...don't know what to say, or what to do. I don't know how to go on with that one piece being left behind.
My friend is dead. And I am forever changed.
In memory of Jason Blain
1981 - 2009
You'll be missed more that you could ever know.