Monday, April 5, 2010


I'm sitting here, it's 12:49 in the morning and naturally I'm wide awake...too much Easter candy will definitely do that to a person...and I'm wondering if I even exist outside of my own head. The inside of my figurative head is something akin to Times Square on New Years Eve. It's a million people jammed into one itty bitty eensy teensy little area, all of whom are waiting for something to happen.

Then I look around at the real world and I see how inconsequential I really am and I wonder what in the hell the point of my existence is, I mean really, and not just that "God put you here...blah, blah, blah," kind of nonsense. For fifteen minutes let's just leave God out of this and pretend like we are the only ones in charge of our destiny.
I look around at the real world and I see how unimportant I really am. I serve no purpose other than to make sure one has clean clothes to wear to work and the other has a go-gurt for a snack at school. What the hell am I doing? I find it hard to believe that THIS is my life. Once upon a time I had all these dreams and hopes and expectations, and now, its more or less "let's just hope I can make it through today with my sanity intact." Ninety percent of the time I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what happened to that girl, the one with the dreams.

I miss her.

I wonder if she misses me.

I know I said leave god out and be in charge of our destiny, but....really? How do we start out having grand plans and ideas only to wake up one day and realize the highlight of the day is that there are enough leftovers in the refrigerator and you don't have to cook dinner this evening.

It's kind of sad when that's what your life has been reduced to, isn't it?

I laugh and joke and act like I'm this happy-go-lucky person when I'm actually very miserable; not all the time, but most of the time. I feel kind of like Eeyore, like maybe there's this dark grey rain cloud always following me, and if its not hovering over my head then its definitely close.

I don't know...even here I feel like I don't matter...why should I? These are just the musings and ramblings of a simple minded dreamer with too much time on her hands.


I think I should go to bed...if there's anything misery loves more than company it's sleep.

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