So it's been a while....

I haven't talked to you in a while...I don't know why. I could give you the usual flack about being busy with work and life, but the truth is, that for a while you sort of faded.

It sounds shitty, I'll be the first to admit it. I guess the fact is, I got so busy that my brain shut down and only allowed me to think of the things that I desperately needed to think of: eat, sleep, pee, drive to work, repeat.

I'm feeling down tonight. It's been a hell of a day and I'm sad and exhausted and upset and generally depressed. It's a really long story with a craptastic ending. I just dont want to deal with it anymore. I've been laying on the couch for like two hours listening to music - old music - hoping to find an escape, but none is coming. It sucks. I wish you were here to talk to...but you're not and that sucks too.
I guess everything just fucking sucks tonight.

God I miss you.

One Year Later

It's been over 365 days since I last talked to you, and even as I sit here right now writing that, I still can't believe it. I mean, I never thought that you'd be gone so suddenly. I mean, I know life was hard and times were tough, but I always thought that you were indestructable, I mean, you were Jolly Green Jason for cripes sake, the tallest guy (at least that I remember) in our high school and the same guy who donned a plastic (or at least it looked plastic) batman costume for halloween, the guy who wanted to build a Trans Am after the Kit car from Knight Rider, you were the guy I spent the better part of my teenage years chasing, the guy that everyone loved because we were powerless not to.

And now you're gone.

It's just so...I don't know, final. I mean, of course you live on in our memories, but sometimes Jay, the memories aren't enough. Sometimes I want you to call me and complain about the things you used to complain about.

I've tried to make this last year mean something, tried to accomplish things because I want to, I don't know, honor your memory by trying to accomplish all the things we used to talk about, because you said you wanted me to go out there and do them.

I don't think you would want us to be sad for you, I think if we were, you'd probably kick us all in the ass and ask us what we've accomplished this year, because all you ever wanted was to see those around you (as well as yourself) succeed.

I don't know...when I sat down to write this, I had all these self-proclaimed great ideas and things I wanted to tell you, mostly things that I've accomplished this year while trying not to miss you too much. But then I felt like a pompous ass for wanting to brag.

the point here is, that, no matter how many days or weeks or years you've been gone, we will never stop missing you. You were such a big part of so many people's lives and you touched so many lives during your short time on earth that it's impossible not to miss you.

So there it is...one year. 365 days since the world was right. a million more to go.

Someday we will meet again because goodbye doesn't mean we won't ever see you again, it just means until we see you again. And until then, I will miss you.

dreaming....

It's been a while since I've thought about you...last night, however, you came to see me in a dream. You were different, harder, angrier, less the person you were and more the person you almost became.

then today I read a line in The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud...about how when you dream of the dead it's how they let you know they still care...I don't think that's exactly what it said, but I'm exhausted and can barely think straight.

It was just totally ironic -  to me at least...anyway. A few more days and it will be a year, a whole year since you left the world. I can't believe it.

Feeling Sentimental Again

As the one year anniversary (and your birthday) draw near, I find myself reflecting on the year that's gone by, the growth I've made, and the sadness that still wakes in your loss.

I find myself thinking about the gang and growing up and spending summers on the beach and all the crap we all dealt with as teenagers, each of us trying to find ourselves and our place in this world. Some of us succeeded and some us failed, picking ourselves up and dusting the failure off of ourselves and taking one more stab at it.

I still can't believe I will never get another phone call from you as you skulked up and down Military Hwy, slurping on a Slurpee and bitching about 7-11 not having your favorite flavor.

I just can't, I don't know...accept it..believe it...I mean I can...I know you're gone, but sometimes I still wait to hear from you...and I just know that I won't, not anymore.

I was watching Army Wives last night, and two of the characters were talking about their husband's deploying, and Roxie (a character) said she doesn't know how the other wives get used to it, to which Claudia Joy promptly responds, "we never get used to it, we just get through it."

Life is like that, I guess. Things happen, bad things, things you think you can never get past or used to, and eventually we learn to just get through it. There's a big difference there, between getting used to something and just getting through it. 

Take lima beans for example. My mom and dad love them, used to make them for dinner all the time. I gag just thinking about them. I never got used to eating them, I just got through it (usually with the help of some delicious, lima bean flavor masking mashed potatoes). 

The loss of a loved one, or a friend, even a beloved pet, is something you never get used to. You will wake up every morning for the rest of your life and wish you could talk to them just one last time. But deep down you know you'll never get that chance, so eventually you learn to take the hard days one breath at a time, and hope that eventually, at some point, the next breath will be just a little less painful, or that your heart will eventually grow just a little bit more numb. 

I don't know that, that makes sense to any one other than me....sometimes it hurts and you want to rage and scream and yell..and sometimes, the pain takes a backseat; it still hurts, but its no where nearly as bad as other days. 

  

letters

"Your absence has passed through me like thread through a needle...everything I do is stitched with its color."

I can't believe it's almost been a year...I mean, a whole year. 

Twelve months, three hundred and sixty five days.  

the ache is still there; I mean, some days its okay, and sometimes I don't miss you at all...then just like gravity, something always brings you crashing back into my thoughts and I wonder if things could have been different...

I know that it probably wouldn't have been, it was probably the way your life was supposed to be, but it sucks.

Yes, I said it sucks. Sometimes I want to pout or cry or throw things...even sing at the top of my lungs

*sigh*

someday it'll be okay

someday

Ten Months & Two Days

And for some reason it really never seems like it ever gets any easier. 

I forget and then I remember...then I forget again...

then it all comes crashing back with stunning speed and clarity that it literally takes my breath away

and I wind up missing you all over again.

Perfect example...tonight Bree was "texting" on my old phone and she handed it to me so I could text and I started pushing random numbers and your phone number popped up..just like that. It was like : J and your (well your mom's I think) old number and part of me wanted to call it just to see if you would answer.

I knew you wouldn't but I still wanted to.

And just like that I remembered all over again. 

I saw this and thought of you...

and just like Harry misses Sirius I miss you...

and yes, you have permission to laugh at my lame ass-ed-ness...I just compared you to a Harry Potter novel.

(but I love Harry..so I guess it could be worse.)