Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Letters to Heaven

This past August I lost a close friend. It was unexpected and for a while it was really hard to deal with...death is always hard, but it was even harder for me because there wasn't anyone I could talk to about it. It seemed like no one had the time, or cared, to listen to me cry over this person who changed my world in such a way I can still feel the echoes of his presence.

It's suffice to say that I loved him. I always have, and part of me always will. You see he was the one who got away...we could have dated in high school, but I was fourteen when he asked me out and I said no.  Then I spent the rest of high school (and after) regretting it. But it's okay. I think that because I said no I served a different role in his life. I'm not trying to make it seem like I was the most important person to him or whatever...but we had time to sort all the dirty laundry between us and come to this place where we were really friends...we talked about everything. He would call me and we would talk for hours about things that he was going through or things that were bothering him...there was one thing we never talked about and part of me wonders why he never said anything about it...I guess I'll never know...

But back to the point...after he passed, I didn't know what to do, how to cope. I had my writing, but really the stories I was working on at the time didn't help...then when I started Full Circle that was supposed to help me cope..but it really didn't, so I began writing letters to him...it started on myspace...at Christmas, I think. No wait..it started with a writing challenge...I wrote a short story about a girl named Hope who was in love with a guy named Chase. The names are symbollic, but I don't want to put his business out there. After the short stories I started to write little blurbs to him...just a few sentences here and there when I was blue.

so here it goes...sharing my pain with the world...a lot of this won't make sense to anyone but me..but you know how it goes...pain is like that...

Friday, September 4, 2009

In between

I furiously clicked the mouse determined to change the picture on Facebook. that'll show them all, i thought sarcastically as the picture uploaded. Put up a nice picture of me smiling, pretending to be happy.

the eyes though, the eyes gave it all away. My sky blue eyes were wide and empty. Looking into them was like looking into the window of an abandoned house. The dust and cobwebs remained, but the furniture and tenants had vacated the premises.

that's what it was like looking into my eyes. They looked haunted; ghosts of memories lingered just under the blue surface.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


I saw your picture today. It's still like a punch the stomach to see it and know that you're never coming back.

My breath whooshes out of me, floats in the air - lingers there for a moment before disappating into the nothingness that is you.

why does it still hurt so much?

when does it get better?

when does the pain start to fade, when will I be able to finally accept that you're really gone? That I will never talk to or see you again.

I wish things could go back to the way they were...before...

god I miss you

i hope you know that

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