Letters to Heaven

This past August I lost a close friend. It was unexpected and for a while it was really hard to deal with...death is always hard, but it was even harder for me because there wasn't anyone I could talk to about it. It seemed like no one had the time, or cared, to listen to me cry over this person who changed my world in such a way I can still feel the echoes of his presence.

It's suffice to say that I loved him. I always have, and part of me always will. You see he was the one who got away...we could have dated in high school, but I was fourteen when he asked me out and I said no.  Then I spent the rest of high school (and after) regretting it. But it's okay. I think that because I said no I served a different role in his life. I'm not trying to make it seem like I was the most important person to him or whatever...but we had time to sort all the dirty laundry between us and come to this place where we were really friends...we talked about everything. He would call me and we would talk for hours about things that he was going through or things that were bothering him...there was one thing we never talked about and part of me wonders why he never said anything about it...I guess I'll never know...

But back to the point...after he passed, I didn't know what to do, how to cope. I had my writing, but really the stories I was working on at the time didn't help...then when I started Full Circle that was supposed to help me cope..but it really didn't, so I began writing letters to him...it started on myspace...at Christmas, I think. No wait..it started with a writing challenge...I wrote a short story about a girl named Hope who was in love with a guy named Chase. The names are symbollic, but I don't want to put his business out there. After the short stories I started to write little blurbs to him...just a few sentences here and there when I was blue.

so here it goes...sharing my pain with the world...a lot of this won't make sense to anyone but me..but you know how it goes...pain is like that...

Friday, September 4, 2009

In between

I furiously clicked the mouse determined to change the picture on Facebook. that'll show them all, i thought sarcastically as the picture uploaded. Put up a nice picture of me smiling, pretending to be happy.

the eyes though, the eyes gave it all away. My sky blue eyes were wide and empty. Looking into them was like looking into the window of an abandoned house. The dust and cobwebs remained, but the furniture and tenants had vacated the premises.

that's what it was like looking into my eyes. They looked haunted; ghosts of memories lingered just under the blue surface.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

10-22

I saw your picture today. It's still like a punch the stomach to see it and know that you're never coming back.

My breath whooshes out of me, floats in the air - lingers there for a moment before disappating into the nothingness that is you.

why does it still hurt so much?

when does it get better?

when does the pain start to fade, when will I be able to finally accept that you're really gone? That I will never talk to or see you again.

I wish things could go back to the way they were...before...

god I miss you

i hope you know that

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Deflecting

I'm doing this thing....its called National November Writing Month

My story for that is a sequel...it was an idea sprung from a song by Mario called Soundtrack to My Broken Heart...I heard that song for the first time and the whole story, literally, came to life in my head.

I made my notes and bided my time, jotting down notes here and there about character and plot developments.

November came and I started writing it....like my stories always do it changed a bit, but whatever i was fine with that.

I never expected to get so absorbed into these characters, its totally nuts, like for real. i feel this crazy connection to them. i mean okay, yes they are an extension of me, in a way, but to sit here and cry because I've given this character cancer...that's just...well its freaking nuts.

for me, as a writer, I deflect. I will resolve my issues through my characters. If something is bugging me, it finds its way into the story, or is even the point of the story.

in this case, and its strange how this dawned on me just now, this character dying, in a way, is my way of resolving the issue of my good friend dying earlier this year.

I thought I'd dealt with my grief, processed it and filed it away with the rest of my emotions, but apparently not.

I still miss him, I'm still angry as hell that I will never get to hear him make stupid jokes, or bitch about all the girls he meets being skank hoes, or hear him complain that 7-11 doesn't have the kind of slurpee he wanted (lucky bastard....at least he had 7-11's).

I only hope that after this part of my novel is written I will be healed - that the anger and sadness goes away...well as best it can - and i can let go of the emotional baggage.

I miss you buddy....Full Circle is for you...where ever you are.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A Christmas Letter to You from Me

so hi. i'm sitting here listening to hootie, but its hootie with out the blowfish..are you trekkin with me? i was cleaning out my inbox on here and i got to the last email i got from you...i read it and i really wish you would have told me why you wanted to just say fck it. I asked you, but you never wrote me back...I'm writing a new book right now, well its mostly written i have like six chapters left to write, but I'm revising right now and in a way its like therapy.

when you passed I had no one to talk to, mostly because everyone else is in VA and I'm stuck here in stinky old florida so I just bottled it up and held onto it. But recently I've been doing a lot of writing and integrating the things that hurt me into my writing. It helps deal with my issues without really dealing with them. Guess that only makes sense to me. This year, while being pretty shitty, has been pretty good to me. I feel like Ron Weasley, you're gonna suffer, but you're gonna be happy about it.

When you passed I was in the midle of writing my first novel. It's called Pictures of You, like The Cure song. Its about a girl who finds out her boyfriend is cheating on her and so she has an affair with a painter. It's pretty damn good if I do say so myself. My goal this year is to try to get it published. If I do I'm going to dedicate it to you, as well as some others. I remember when I tried writing that other story, the one i sent to you when you were in jail. you were always so supportive about my writing. it was nice to have the support that you gave. I never did finish that story. Maybe someday I will. I have another one that's finished. Its called Disenchanted, like the My Chemical Romance song..lol..I like to jack my titles from songs...its about a girl who's stepfather is a nfl quarterback and he's murdered so she has to go live with her bilogical father. Its okay...not my fave. The one I'm writing now, Full Circle, is (imo) epic. Its a sequel to Disenchanted, and it follows the characters on their trip to college and it has an unplanned pregnancy after the main character sleeps with her boyfriends best friend. The best friend later gets cancer (non-hodkins lymphoma) and dies and she winds up back with her college boyfriend, who is actually the baby's dad. It definitely sounds soap opeara-ish when I put it that way, but I'd like to think I'm keeping it fairly real and doesn't sound corny at all. but then again im pretty full of myself.

how are you?
i know thats a sort of stupid question all things considered, but whatever.

there was this black shadowy figure chilling in my house for a few weeks after you passed. i was starting to think that maybe you came to see me since i wasnt ever able to come see you. again, stupid i know. but hey, i gotta make myself feel important somehow.

alright my old friend. its getting late and I should probably head to bed. tomorrow is christmas eve. i hope your family has an easy time on this first holiday without you.

i miss you all the time.

nikki 

Thursday, January 7, 2010

In whispers I talk to you

I was reading a post someone wrote about you today and it made me think about lots of things....

I might sound like a hypocrite when I say this, but you know me, I keeps it real..lol

but it pisses me off sometimes when certain people act like they were the best friends in the world to you. I mean yeah I know I wasn't always around when you needed someone, but I like six hundred plus miles away and there's only so much I could do for you, but I tried. I tried to be there for you when you needed a friend, or when you needed someone sane to talk you back down.

Like the night you called my cell phone, crying and saying you were going to kill yourself...I wonder who else you called, or if I was the only one who received that heartbreaking call. Either way it doesn't matter...what I guess I'm talking about is when you went to jail in '07 and how you said I was the only one (besides your family) who kept in contact with you. Where were those great pretenders then I wonder. I mean, yeah okay I understand that real life gets in the way very easily, but still....if they were such great friends to you, where were they when you needed them?

I don't know, its probably stupid of me. I guess we were all important to you in our own way and we did what we could, when we could, for you.

A lot of the time I feel like I'm not allowed to miss you, like I have no right or that you didn't mean enough to me for me to miss you the way I do. Yeah, we had our problems but shit, we're both pig headed and stubborn as hell..lol. Tell me I'm lying..I dare you.

I saw a funny movie the other day, The Hangover. You would have loved it. It was just, meh, hilarious. Did you ever get to see all those movies you wanted to see? We talked about it once, but you never said anything more about it. I hope you did.

I hope you know how much us puny humans miss you because we really do...I mean, like really. and its so funny, or strange, to read about everyones memories about you because they arent the same. If I didnt know any better I'd think everyone was talking about a different you, because their memories of you sound nothing like the you i remember. but then again maybe what i remember is the you i choose to remember, the perfect version of you. who knows...regardless, i loved you for the way you were in my eyes

Now I just wonder when, if, this ever gets any easier...

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

nothing to say

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Yes I understand that every life must end....

but sometimes i can still feel you here....

you always reminded me of adam sandler...i think it had to do with the fact that when the wedding singer came out you made us watch it with you and that song he sings at the end got stuck in my head...

now everytime i watch that movie i think about you...it never fails..same thing with the crow..we watched that one night at your house, me you missy and steph then we all fell asleep camped out in your living room...your mom sure was surprised to find three teenage girls asleep in the living room along with her teenage son the following morning...cant say i blame her...

god i hate this...there are times when you dont cross my mind, not once, not at all..then there are days when i miss you like...well like crazy...i still have the last message you send me and sometimes, on days like today, i find myself wondering when you'll write back before i realize that you never will...then i realize that i sit here and write you letter after letter and i'll never get a response and instead of feeling better i get upset all over again.

so as i sit here crying, i re-read what i've written to you, and i realize that even though you won't write back i'm no longer carrying it around with me. it's here for all the world to see and for some reason giving that burden to the world makes it easier to bear...i don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me so i guess thats the only thing that counts.

i love you...and i miss you...

Monday, February 1, 2010

It's such a shame for us to part...

Nobody said it was easy...
no one ever said it would be this hard
oh, take me back to the start

im coming home for the first time in over three years later on this month

i always thought id get to see you again when i did come back home

now im coming to see you, but it wont be the you that i know

it'll be a cold stone on a withered patch of grass..

and i really don't know if i can do that

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Six Months

Today marks the six month anniversary of your death
for a minute i almost forgot
then i remembered again
...
I want to stop remembering already

Saturday, February 13, 2010

when youre away

im so blue...
i want to ask scott where youre at so when i go home next month i can see you

but im afraid

he's had a really hard time lately

it snowed and he said on facebook how much he wished you were there

and i also want to punch stubbs in her face

she's such a freakin hypocrite

i hope she chokes on a snickers bar

(not really, but you know)

yeah...

in other news...its cold as hell..

i hope where ever you are, its warm and they are serving fruity drinks out of coconuts with those gay ass umbrellas...you know the ones..lol..(wink wink)

meh...so yeah...i should be doing this 

as in my stories...

not empty letters to you...

I was just talking to a friend tonight about my story and how it made me sad and how i wrote empty letters to you

fc was supposed to be therapy

instead your death is all over it, kind of hovering like an impending cloud of doom

they could have been happy

we could have been happy

once upon a long time ago....

what do you think would have happened if id said

yes

instead of saying no

because i was scared

part of me feels guilty

like if i had said yes

maybe youd still be alive...

maybe youd have gone down a different path

then that little voice tells me that dark path was your destiny

and nothing

could have stopped it...

that thought makes me sadder than you could possibly imagine...

i miss you

Monday, February 22, 2010

it never goes away..does it?

 

i wish i knew what to say...

because i feel like i keep saying the same old shit

im like a god damn broken record

over and over again

you know there was a line in ps i love you

where the character said something about

if we're all alone then we're all together in that

but..

are we?

"this could be the end of everything so why don't we go somewhere only we know"

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Go AWAY!

stop haunting me

and being everywhere i look

i cant fricking take it anymore

im so fricking sick of missing you

and crying over you

and...god EVERYTHING

just....leave me alone

please, im begging you

just leave me alone

Looking back now I can't believe how angry I was...sometimes I still am...sometimes I find myself still waiting for a response to my email..I find myself wondering how he is, wondering when I'll see him again...I guess it's the one thing that never goes away, never gets easier...you just sort of learn to live with it..it becomes a scar on your heart and the sad part about that is that only you know how small or large the scar is, or just how deep the cut was that gave you that scar...where ever you are...I miss you...I always will..