Thursday, July 18, 2013

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you....

It felt seriously morbid to wish you a happy birthday today....but I felt like not saying it would make me a heartless bitch.

I stared at facebook seriously conflicted for like twenty minutes, until my head and my heart stopped arguing and I just did it.

There were a million things (yes, literally) I wanted to say to you, but they were a million things I didn't want the whole world to see or hear. I wanted to tell you that you've been on my mind so much lately, that I've been thinking of you constantly and I don't know why....something even happened the other day and I said, yeah, yeah, I hear you man.

I guess it's because its just that time of the year again, you know....all I keep thinking is how in a few short days we had the last conversation we'll ever have and then a few days after that, we lost you for good.

I sometimes wonder where you are, if there really is a heaven and I wonder if you're there. Part of me knows that the possibility of heaven or what have you is highly unlikely, and that when you die, you're just....I don't fade away and the only thing left is the memory that people carry of you.

But the irrational part of my brain refuses to believe that. I feel like there has to be a heaven and that you have to be there, watching over all of us.

I just wish that you were still here...that we hadn't lost you so soon...I wish you would have had that chance to do it all over again and make the right choices, no matter how shitty life would have been for a moment of time.

I miss you....and whatever happens, I hope you know that.

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